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Psychology of human sexuality "You deserve Pleasure during Sex"


Through Psychology Today we came across this very inelegant, professional article   Laurie B. Mintz Ph.D. on Jul 11, 2015 in Stress and Sex

We have updated the article from tonight, with more information from our professionals also. A must read for everyone.

We would like to share this article for you to read, and hopefully understand the Psychology of sex in a little more detail. A must read for younger adults, sex educators, parents, older adults.

Sex education, has to begin with everyone, especially you as a parent. The proper sex education can make your children more aware to sexual abuse.

Too many young girls and boys---teens are rushing into sex, when 1) their minds and their bodies are just not ready, then 2) they are so miss-informed about sex. They are getting their education from pornography which is wrong and very unrealistic. Teens are handing over their sexuality which they don't own yet, fully understand to porn, to the porn industry.
Most porn is portraying sexual Violence. Studies have found that boys on the average are between 11-15 when watching their first glimpse of porn. How on earth is a child that young even meant to understand fully what they are watching?

Preparation is not just about warning kids about pornography, but also about teaching healthy attitudes about sex and giving kids good information in age-appropriate doses.

We urge young adults to not be lured into the false education about sex that porn projects.Porn is contributing to the sexual abuse of our children, your children.

We also saw this false information in the poorly written sexually abusing books Fifty Shades of Grey...then Grey. Very dangerous especially to children. We saw this exact same thing with the R rate movie Fifty Shades of Grey made from  Book one. A young girl died because of this movie and books promoting sexual abuse to our children. You can speak to any Psychologist, Sociologist, Medical professional and they will tell you the exact same thing.

Dr. Gail Dines professor and lecturer. An academic, she has also been described as "The world's leading anti-pornography campaigner". speaks at the 2014 Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation (CESE) Summit about the harmful messages communicated in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

As medical professionals, Psychologists, PhD, Sociologists we have been to Dr Dines seminars, she was recently in Australia. She is a true pioneer exposing sexual abuse through pornography, exposing sex-- human trafficking through the porn industry. We will doing an article on this very important subject very soon. How this effects your children, you as parents, our entire society, the world we live in.

That readers is why Fifty Shades of Grey...Grey is so dangerous, it is promoting sexual violence to your children, to women, giving boys, men permission to sexually abuse. As professionals just like Dr Gail Dines we see the victims of this abuse, one of our own authors was married to a Christian Grey and suffered shocking abuse, much worse than the books.
 But this is absolutely reality and like our other articles say in detail "Erica James has said in video interviews, the books are based on her life, her life experiences." We were asked to review the book, you can read the review and article links HERE there are about seven article on our site to the dangerous of Fifty Shades of Grey, Grey which you can find easy enough to read the data for yourself. Fifty Shades of Grey, Grey.... in reality ends exactly as Dr Dines says in the video, we already know the ending since we see the victims, one of our authors, a professional--Psychologist, survivor of a Christian Grey....a Psychopath, sexual abuser, rapist, stalker---- because that is exactly what Christian Grey is in the books and real life. The Greater the power the greater the abuser, and abuser, just like our author Alexander's former husband and Christian grey, both money and power and abusers....and yes this type of man stalks his victims for the rest of their lives. Women die at the hands of this type of man. Alexandria lost a child to this type of man...and nearly her own life.

This is not fairy-tail readers, this is reality and Erica James has a hell of a lot to answer to with her sexually violent books, she is calling pure romance....and now pushing this onto your children, to now put their lives in danger. Please read the articles on our site with Fifty Shades of Grey and Grey because they will leave you in disgust at Erica James, furious. If you are a parent then doubly so.

(please do not let your teenage children, boys or girls read these books, watch the movie Fifty Shades of Grey and Grey... in-fact we don't recommend anyone watch this sexual violence. The book figures for sales were also fudged, the books did not sell anywhere near what was reported, the books were also the most returned books in history, of any book. This entire book series, movie was made popular by a lot of money being thrown around and PR...bullshit, to push this crap as romance.)

Dr. Haim Ginott Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.

Remember sex is not a dirty word, when learning about sex, between consenting adults, it is about pleasure, it is not one sided. 

Many of our authors, professionals, have children; their ages from babies to young adults. We know as parents how confused we were about sex when we were younger and growing up....you just didn't talk about it with your parents. 
Young adults need to learn intimacy, this is something that has disappeared from so many. Sex is in great part about intimacy.

Not a great deal has changed, so many parents don't talk to their children properly about sex, but not only sex, but about their own bodies, weather that be female or male. 
So how are children meant to know about sex, their bodies if they are not getting the right education, the right information. They are certainly not teaching this information at schools, because they do not have the proper instructors to do so.

As a parent i have two teenage girls and a step son, a teenage boy ages 14-17. Sex is something in our house, that we welcome questions about. Being a professional also makes it easier for our children to come to us and ask anything they want to know, nothing is off limits. We want our children to be properly informed, not only about sex, but about their bodies, and also the many dangers than can also be associated with sex...sexual abuse, rape, sexual violence. 
In our house sex is not a dirty word and our children are not embarrassed to ask us questions. In fact we have other children boys and girls who come to our house, friends of our children's quite often engaging into conversations about sex. 
One thing we always do is make sure the parents of these children are OK with this. One thing our children do not do is watch porn. But our children are telling us as parents plenty of their friends are....but that is another subject to touch on another day.

If a young person has no one to ask about sex and their bodies, this is when teens or anyone becomes frightened and very confused.
Please do not be pressured or even think about watching Pornography to learn about sex from, because quite simply you wont, that is not what pornography is based about...most pornography is sexual violence.

We strongly urge parents to use filters on their home computers, for pornography, children as young as five years old are accessing pornography. Be vigilant in what your children are accessing on the internet, or at school. There are still so many schools still not using filters.

Remember never let anyone pressure you into sex, coerce you in any way. This is a form of rape. 
Don't be in any rush to have sex....as we say in our book Shades of Grey.....sex isn't going anywhere.

Not enough is taught to young ones about sex in the right way. 
We as professionals also saw this, we have co-written a book and one of the many things our book does address is sex, sexual abuse and so much more. 

We know from having teenagers, young adults of our own that they are not going to sit down with a book about sex education and read it....its that simple they wont. So we have incorporated sex education into our book, in a different way, so teens, young adults will want to read, and they will also learn along the way.
The book is aimed as also a learning tool for younger adults and older ones also Shades of Grey....By Edward Grey is our book, being released this year. 100% of the profits are going to abuse charities all of the world. The book has gone global already and set to be a best seller. Millions of people are already connecting with the story in our book and Edward Grey. There are many pages to read now up on the website Shades of Grey....please support and go and check out the book.

First let me introduce myself. I am a 55-year old psychologist and professor. My students say I remind them of Barbara Streisand in Meet The Fockers (link is external), likely because I have curly hair, a large nose, and talk about sex a lot. 
In fact, I teach Psychology of Human Sexuality to about 200 undergraduate students each year.

Last semester,a  colleague asked me an insightful question: “How would you describe this generation’s knowledge and attitudes about sex?” Sadly, my answer was: “This generation seems to be more misinformed than any other, likely because they get so much of their information from pornography.”  

 I  ran my answer past my undergraduate students—they downheartedly agreed. They also said the most distorted information they receive is about young heterosexual women’s sexuality. I hope that my letter can help to clear up some of these distortions.

Before starting my letter, I have to define some terms. When I mention “sex” I mean all sexual activity, not just penile-vaginal intercourse. For specific acts, I will refer to these acts. I hope the reason why I am doing this will become obvious as you read my letter below (and if not, please see my post where I tried to start a linguistic sexual revolution).

  1. Sex is meant to be pleasurable. Sex education classes often forget this important point when warning you about all the dangers of sex.

  1. You deserve pleasure during sex. Your pleasure doesn’t have to be secondary to your partner’s pleasure.This goes for both relationship sex and casual sex.

  1. Some women don’t lubricate sufficiently even when excited. It’s okay to use lubricant!You might especially need lubricant with a condom, but make sure to use one that doesn’t weaken the condom—see here (link is external) for information.

  1. Not all women ejaculate or squirt. In fact, most don’t.

  1. Not all women can find their G-spot (which actually isn’t a spot after all but a complex area in the vagina). And, not all women find stimulation of this spot pleasurable.

  1. To have pleasure and orgasm, the VAST majority of women need clitoral stimulation. Only a very small percentage of women orgasm from just penile-vaginal intercourse alone. Most reach orgasm through manual stimulation or oral sex. Many women like to pair clitoral stimulation (by oneself or one’s partner with a hand or a vibrator) with intercourse.

  1. It generally takes women about 20 minutes of “foreplay” (defined in our culture as the stimulation before intercourse) to be excited enough to reach orgasm. This stimulation is also needed to prepare the vagina for intercourse—without it you won’t be lubricated enough and your vagina won’t “tent” or change to the shape it needs to in order to best prepare to receive a penis.

  1. Figure out what type of clitoral stimulation brings you to orgasm by masturbating. The best way to know what you like is to take matters into your own hands. Some women need direct stimulation of the clitoris. For others, this is too much and they need stimulation around the clitoris or even through underwear. Every women is unique in terms of what brings her pleasure and, in fact, what each woman needs can differ from one encounter to another—hence the need for the next tip.

  1. Tell your partner what you need to reach orgasm. Remember, he has been watching the same distorted movies and porn that you may have been watching, so he may also think his penis is key to your orgasm. You have to tell him otherwise. (And if you fake orgasm during intercourse, he will continue to think this is how women orgasm and continue to do the same thing, with you and with future partners).

  1. Many women feel self-conscious of their bodies during sex. You can’t be self-monitoring and have an orgasm. You can’t have an orgasm while trying to hold your stomach in. Having an orgasm requires fully immersing in the sensations of the moment and letting go. The best way to learn to do this is to practice mindfulness during your everyday life, and then transfer these skills to sex. (Here’s a link (link is external) to a great resource to introduce you to mindfulness).

  1. You smell just fine and your discharges are normal. Women’s vulvas have a unique odor and produce discharges.You don’t need to douche to get rid of that and in fact, that can be harmful (link is external) in the long run, leading to infections. (If your discharge suddenly has a new or odd odor or color, you might have an infection—see here (link is external) for information).

  1. Your vulva is beautiful as it is. Many of the vulvas in porn have been either digitally altered (to be perfectly symmetrical and to have small inner lips) or the porn stars have had surgery. Every vulva is unique—like a beautiful snowflake. Love your vulva and take pride in your labia. (link is external)

  1. I am saddened to have to even write this. If you are among the approximately 44% of women who has been a victim of sexual violence (link is external), it is not your fault. EVER. Even if you were drunk. Most young women get drunk at some point in their lives—and you getting drunk doesn’t cause sexual violence. The perpetrator is the cause. Also, if you are a survivor, you can reclaim your sexual life again. The Sexual Healing Journey (link is external)is a great starting point. Source: www.prestondrivered.com

  1. Finally, sex is a learnable skill not something people are inherently good or bad at. Someone probably gave you driving lessons because they knew you’d be driving your entire life and wanted you to have the skills to make it a safe, enjoyable ride. But, we likely failed in terms of giving you enough information to have a fun, safe, and pleasurable sex life. Getting better at sex takes communication and practice (alone and with a partner). Enjoy the journey of getting to know your body. There will be bumps along the road and not all sexual encounters will be mind-blowing. Learn from all of your experiences so you will better know what you want.

    Some extra information we would also like to add as researchers and professionals is... a women's orgasm can last up to four hours. A women can climax many times, multiple orgasms, this is very common, and nothing to be frightened over. Young women all women need to learn more about their bodies, and their partners also pay attention to their partners needs.

    In sum, dear young women, if I had only three tips to give you, they would be the following: 1) learn about your own body (especially your clitoris); 2) learn to tell a partner what you like and want; and 3) learn to mindfully immerse yourself during sex.
    These lessons are harder to learn than they sound, but I assure you--they’re totally worth it!

    With Love to All of You, Laurie Mintz
    P.S. My inspiration for writing this letter was Mary Piper, who wrote a wise book titled “Letters to a Young Therapist (link is external)” in which she shares what she has learned over the course of 30 years of being a therapist, so that younger therapists can benefit.

    Health Tips for Sex-Toy Use By Laura Berman, PhD


     Did you know that the first vibrator was actually created as a medical treatment for “hysteria” in women?

    Essentially, hysteria was an umbrella diagnosis of the day that doctors used for women who suffered from a variety of emotional ailments ranging from depression to anxiety and beyond. Sadly, many women who suffered from legitimate emotional and psychological issues were often patronized or overlooked by the medical community of the era.

    However, some good did arise from the medical use of the vibrator. For women of the Victorian period who did not have access to sexual education, it could have been the first time that many of them even experienced an orgasm! Back then, discussion of foreplay and the importance of female sexual pleasure was nonexistent, so for these patients, reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual satisfaction might have actually created positive effects for them mentally and physically.

    Sex-toy use is rare. No way! Many people use sex toys, whether they are men or women or singles or couples. In fact, a study I performed with Drugstore.com found that 44 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 60 have used a sex toy.

    Sex toys are for singles. When most people think of sex toys, they tend to imagine single people who use vibrators to help spice up their Saturday nights. But, the exact opposite is true! In our study, we discovered that women who are in relationships are most likely to own and use sex toys. In fact, 78 percent of women who use or have used a sex toy reported being in a relationship. Additionally, a recent Durex study found that close to 25 percent of people have used sex toys with their partners.

    Use of sex toys means something is lacking in the bedroom. Again, the exact opposite is true. Our study found that women who use sex toys report greater sexual satisfaction and orgasm ability than women who do not. Additionally, recent research from the Kinsey Institute found that women who use vibrators were more likely to have visited their ob-gyn in the past 12 months and also reported higher levels of desire, arousal, lubrication, and orgasm.

    The good news is that more and more people are embracing sex toys and sexual exploration

    In addition, the mainstream movie Hysteria, a new romantic comedy starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy, centers on the invention of the vibrator.
    As the popularity of sex aids increases and more people explore their sexual desires, sexual satisfaction and pleasure will only continue to grow.

    Laura Berman, PhD, is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago. She is the star of Couples in Crisis, on the Everyday Health Channel, every Thursday at 1 p.m. EST.


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